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I'm reading "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love" and am struck by the description of avoidants as longing for the phantom ex or dreaming of the perfect partner, "one of the most powerful tools an avoidant can use to keep someone else at bay. It allows you to believe that everything is fine with you and that the person you're with now is the problem -- he or she is just not good enough." (Pg. 124) I think I grew up avoidant and insecure in my attachment style. My father is avoidant and my stepmom is insecure and I inherited both of these tendencies. For fun, I made a list of my girlfriends who were simply the best I could do at the time and I had no intention of marrying. I easily came up with ten names, including five in two years when I particularly needed help. Then I came up with a list of girlfriends I thought were good enough for me and possible marriage material and wrote out six names. That doesn't include all the women I pursued and got nowhere. Prior to coming down with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in 1988, I didn't settle in my dating choices. Either someone was good enough for me or she was a learning opportunity or I would simply set myself to work and reading. But once I got sick, I could no longer lose myself into work. For the rest of my life, I've been hobbled by CFS and unable to work as hard as I did. With an abundance of spare time and an ample need to rest, my desire for a warm body next to me grew. I was weak. I wanted nurturing. I couldn't distract myself with achievement. I also had fewer prospects. As my achievements became less impressive, I had less access to the primo girls. Frequently, I felt the need for a partner to get me through a rough patch, to prop me up so I could be at my best for getting the greatest girl I could attain. I still got emotionally involved with these not-good-enough girls and I still expected their full devotion until I was ready to move on, at which point I wanted no trouble, just a clean break. I tend to feel and act avoidant when I feel like my partner is below me and not for the long run (most of my partners), and I tend to feel and act anxious when she's on my level or above me and I want the long run together. Common Avoidant Thoughts: She's taking over my life! I can't stand it.Now I have to do everything her way, the price is too high.I need to get out of here, I feel suffocated.If she was the one, this wouldn't happen.She's out to hurt me, it's obvious.She just wants to tie me down.I'll be better off on my own. Common Anxious Thoughts: She's leaving me.I'll never find anyone else.I knew this was too good to last.I've ruined everything.She can't treat me this way! I'll show her.I knew something would go wrong. Nothing works out for me.I have to talk to her right now.She better crawl back and beg my forgiveness or I'm done with her forever.Maybe if I make a lot of money, things will work out. SUPPORT THIS SITE! PAYPAL: LUKEISBACK AT GMAIL.COM * Luke Ford On Video: 60 Minutes (11/23/03)Entertainment TonightFox Files (3/25/99)KNBC News (2007)ABC News (9/11/07)NFB's 'Give Me Your Soul' (2000)Loma Linda (2010)BINALA (2011)Luke's Latest VideosMoving the Way the Body Likes to MoveBeverly Hills Psycho-TherapistLas Vegas Carpet CleaningThis blog accepts donations, cash advertising, sponsorship, paid insertions and other forms of compensation.
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