Collage077

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Collage077
Collage 077 H u m o u r N e t 1995Welcome to Collage 77, which contains some pretty good stuff.This issue's contributors are:Mike: "Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide,"Nancy: "Boys Just Want to Have Guns," and the UU Joke (sorry, I couldn't come up with an appropriate SUBJ: line for it), andLorraine: "Poor Excuses."Thanks for the *great* material!- Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet."Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message": Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!THE INVISIBLE KILLERDihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and killsuncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths arecaused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogenmonoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causessevere tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessivesweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea,vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have becomedependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death. Dihydrogen monoxide: * is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain. * contributes to the "greenhouse effect." * may cause severe burns. * contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape. * accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals. * may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes. * has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patientsCONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost everystream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution isglobal, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMOhas caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, andrecently California. Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used: * as an industrial solvent and coolant. * in nuclear power plants. * in the production of styrofoam. * as a fire retardant. * in many forms of cruel animal research. * in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical. * as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing canbe done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impacton wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!The American government has refused to ban the production,distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importanceto the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and othermilitary organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, anddesigning multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize itduring warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilitiesreceive tons of it through a highly sophisticated undergrounddistribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.IT'S NOT TOO LATE!Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about thisdangerous chemical. What you don't know can hurt you and othersthroughout the world. Send email to no dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE to:Coalition to Ban DHMO211 Pearl St.Santa Cruz CA, 9506
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
"Boys Just Want to Have Guns"(To the tune of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun")We're big and burly guys!We get our big kicks ripping wings off of flies.But can you guess what else we do for our fun?We like to play with our guns, oh,Boys just wanna have guns.I met a girl, she said, "You wanna play?"That night I had a meeting of the NRA!I said to her, "Let's play some other night, hon."I'd rather play with my gun, oh,Boys just wanna have...That's all we really want --Some guns!There ain't no comparison.I'd trade my girl for a gun, oh,Boys just wanna have...Boys..they wanna...Wanna have long...guns...Wanna have strong...guns...Right or wrong...guns...All night long...guns!So here I am knee-deep in muck,I'm locked in mortal combat with a rabbit or duck,My girlfriend left me, yes, she now is a nun,'Cause boys just wanna have guns, oh,Boys just wanna have...We just wanna,We just wanna,We just wanna,We'll blow you to oblivion,We'll blow you all to kingdom come.Don't mess around with our guns!
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting,"The building is on fire!"The METHODISTS gathered in a corner and prayed.The BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?"The CHURCH OF CHRIST called a meeting to determine if fire was scriptural.The QUAKERS silently praised God for the blessings that fire brings.The LUTHERANS nailed a notice on the door declaring that the fire was evil.The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed a collection plate to cover the damage.THE CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself!"The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God! Darn, it looks like it's a post-trib rapture."The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and walked out.The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded that there was no fire.The PRESBYTERIANS formed a committee and appointed a chair person to look into the matter and submit a written report in two years.The UNITARIANS called the fire department.
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: Poor Excuses... These are (supposedly) actual excuse notes from parents (including actual spelling)My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.Please execute him.Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had hershot.Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,31, 32, and also 33.Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fellout of a tree and misplaced his hip.John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of hisface.Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He washurt in the growing part.Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheredby very close veins.Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre
dyrea

direathe
the shits.Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea andhis boots leak.Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping becauseI don't know what size she wear.Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot toget the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, wethought it was Sunday.Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend herfuneral.My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spenta weekend with the Marines.Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold andcould not breed well.Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed withgramps.Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, feverand sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached allover. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There mustbe something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-maillist server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more informationon Lyris, see.To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the followingcommand to :subscribe HumourNet your name, your city, your state or countrywhere "your name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,then either (1) send any message to fora more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Webinterface at, or (3) send a *detailed*description of the problem to
*.To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to.>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in thetext wherever possible.

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