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LUKE 10:40-42
40) But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
41) "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things,
42) but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
(New International Version - NIV) Copyright (c) 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
Seems like it has been ages since I picked up a book and read it just for pleasure. Somehow, like Martha, I gave up my passions for my duties. There's nothing wrong with duties, and I have not begrudged them - a fine Christian husband and beautiful, sweet kids are nothing to begrudge! But somewhere in the daily grind of household management, the once passionate reader and writer in me... and artist for that matter... disappeared on the dusty shelf of "someday I'll get to that". I never stopped collecting books... books that I longed to read. I never stopped discussing the ones I had loved before. But I never stopped to read anything new, either... for fear that the laundry may pile up if I did.
I don't think it is uncommon for women to loose a bit of their identity after they marry or have children. It is only natural for moms to put others before themselves. The baby's leaking diaper is much more pressing than a fiction novel you've been trying to finish for three months. But somehow, through the Lord's wisdom, I feel that keeping yourself true to the gifts He has given you - and feeding those God-given desires - are something just as important and useful as dish-washing. After all, your husband didn't marry you because you knew how to get Kool-Aid stains out of his white t-shirts. Your kids don't love you because you keep the toilet paper from running out (although this does help). Why would God give you a talent and passion for something if He didn't want you to use it for His glory?
I went to a great Christian lecture at a homeschool book fair recently given by Renee Ellison. Her topic was about "Turn Your Head Home Management Strategies". She gave a job description for Mother as being IMPOSSIBLE and INFINITE. I agreed wholeheartedly, yet wouldn't give the job up for the world! She told us, although most of us already knew this, that we needed to stay "close to our fuel" (the Lord). Her suggestion in doing this was to "snatch scripture". She admitted that we all are similar in having too much on our plates to stop and take enough time out each day for prayer, Bible study, and meditation. Let's face it, life is fast paced - especially if you are a homeschooling mom! Her idea of placing little Bibles (she even said she got some at a thrift store for this purpose) in every room where you might stop to take a pause (use your imagination here), for the purpose of "snatching" a verse or two was so unique. I had always thought if I didn't give God at least fifteen minutes, it wouldn't count.
I think you could use this same method with time out for yourself. Planning some morning reading time after the coffee is made and breakfast is eaten is not a bad idea. Spending Sunday night after church in bed with a good book isn't a bad idea either. Even stealing the moments back in the Wal-Mart parking-lot when you are waiting for your husband to get back in the car would be a nice start. I can stash a few good books in the car along with my Bible.
Surely I can find enough time for me somewhere in my hectic, wonderfully busy life.
So I'm going to pull down one of those dusty "someday I'll get to that" good books and read it this weekend. Then, when I make some more time for me, I'll review it for my blog! I thank Renee for her encouragement in that lecture she gave... she implored us to write down our "wisdom" as homeschooling mothers. Not sure if I would consider what I write as wisdom, but I'm sure glad I'm writing it down again!
Comfort is a two-faced bitch. It lures us away from the jagged rocks of pain to the soft shores of protection. It is a great time-saver and facilitator; it might even be fun for a while.
Comfort is also our undoing, robbing us of our potential. It's the difference between Bilbo Baggins staying in the Shire as a Hobbit, and fighting a dragon as THE Hobbit.
So, let's keep this in mind when I offer my thoughts on Grouper, a self-described "social club" offering a new spin on online dating -- although they never use the word "date," and you're hardly ever online. After using Grouper three times, I'll say this: it's one of the most comfortable ways of meeting women that a guy is going to find. Take that for what you will.
Here's a quick lowdown for the uninitiated: Grouper started here in San Francisco and New York and has since spread to other U.S. cities. A "Grouper" matches one guy with one girl, and although the company takes great pains not to call the event a date, you must each find two single friends of your gender to go. I suspect this formula will gain popularity with younger, techier crowds who don't want the anxiety of approaching attractive strangers.
It goes something like this:
All the prep work is done for you: there are no online profiles to sift through, no email exchanges and no planning where to go. These factors will be pros or cons depending on your viewpoint, but I mostly consider this an improvement over standard online dating, where scanning profiles and sending emails can be an eye-gougingly dull experience. Yes, at least you exercise choice with OK Cupid, but we've covered the downside of that.
The price includes a free first drink, making the cost of this endeavor far cheaper than traditional arranged group dates like Table for Six, or even your average first date. So that's a plus, too.
You will not know what your Grouper partners look like before you see them, nor will you have any information on them other than a generic-sounding promise that the girls are "super cute." I suppose that's more comforting than being promised that they have "great personalities," but the matching system, based on people's Facebook profiles, seems as sophisticated as throwing at a dart board.
I've been on three Groupers with the same two wingmen, and we each took turns being the guy who signed up. We have plenty in common, but not so much in common that we should get the same type of girls each time -- for example, one of us is a hard core Burning Man guy whereas I'm quite the opposite. But diversity was hard to come by.
Leaving physical attractiveness out of it for a minute, all nine of the girls we met were in their mid-20s, white and of mainstream tastes. Virtually all of them lived in or hung out often in the Marina, which is the Never Never Land for ex-frat boys and sorority girls. None of us are compatible with Marina girls beyond a drunken night of hooking up to songs by Keha.
Based on my Grouper outings, here's a quick cheat sheet for any guys considering your own:
GET FUN WINGMEN YOU CAN TRUST, AND HAVE A GAME PLAN: I had the first part of this down -- my wingmen are great friends -- but our first time out we didn't consider the logistics of having a six-way encounter where we're all sitting at a table. Unless you want polite chit-chat the whole night, you need to switch seats and isolate at some point. The girls came together and will have pressure to leave together, so your insta-date odds afterward are slim unless you're really hitting it off.
GIVE THE POINT MAN FIRST DIBS ON A GIRL: Even though my friends and I have different physical tastes, we agreed each time on who the best looking girl was. So to avoid any conflict or miscommunication, I advise giving first dibs to the guy who organized the event. My secret code for calling dibs was looking at the girl and saying, "How about those Giants?" Smooth, I know.
DON'T BE SHY ABOUT ESCALATING: I find it ironic that while Groupers seem marketed to shy people and uses a "no labels" mantra, you need to exercise some PUA skills to close the deal. Grouper doesn't give you the girls' contact info afterward, so you will need to get her number by the end of the encounter, probably in front of everyone.
Now for the recap of my three Groupers:
NO. 1: Thumbs up on the bar Grouper chose, and I liked being able to get Scotch as my free drink. As for the girls, it was a three-headed Marina monster. They could talk about sports, visiting Western Europe, and drinking, but that was about it. One of the girls was good looking enough that one of us probably should have gotten her number just for the hell of it, but we didn't regret it.
NO. 2: The best I can say about this one was that the girls were all nice (in fact, all nine of the girls we met were nice; social conventions sort of require it). However, none of them were remotely interesting to us, physically or otherwise, and the bar had a DJ blasting music so loud we could barely talk. After this one I had to talk one of my wingmen into doing a third Grouper, on his condition that I write this review. So I hope you're happy, buddy.
NO. 3: I was the point man for this one, so I was fortunate that one of the girls was cute. Yes, she lived in the Marina, but at least she was apologetic about it. I got her number but she didn't return my texts afterward (was it my Giants line?); still, even soft rejection felt like an improvement. The bar was solid, and we took an inspired Groupergram -- you're encouraged to take a creative Instagram photo of the six of you. It was my idea to have the five of us simulate surgery with knives on my shirtless wingman while the bar manager watched in horror.
Grand total for three outings: None of us is swearing off Grouper forever, but none of us would rely on it for dating. Combined, the three of us spent 60 and over six hours of our time. We had a whopping one phone number (that didn't lead anywhere) among the three of us. We had perfectly safe, pleasant conversations in safe settings with nine friendly girls who mostly did not attract us (the feeling may very well have been mutual).
But phone numbers are beside the point. This is more about the costs of comfort. There might be little to lose in talking to three pre-selected women, but for many guys I suspect there's also much less to gain. Personally, I would rather exercise my own judgment in meeting my kind of girls -- and the risk of immediate rejection is an asset, not a liability.
I'd still recommend Grouper to a guy who just wants to go out and meet lots of people and maybe hook up with a girl or two. But if you're looking for girlfriend material, I'd take the bumpier road.
Credit: dating-for-black-men.blogspot.com
My favorite motivational poem, which projects the true spirit of the unconquerable alpha male, who does takes both action and full responsibility for his actions, and how the confident attitude it projects will make you absolutely ooze attraction. AND! An announcement about the makingherhappy.com forum: It's been up for a year now, and for the foreseeable future, it's going to remain free.
Our forum has been open at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/ since March of last year, and we seem to have all the kinks out of it, have it secured from hackers, spammers, and pranksters, and have a LOT of great information on it, but we don't yet have the size of a user community I want to have before activating the subscription feature. So all access to all areas is still free to all registered members until I'm satisfied that it's big enough, which will probably be after we cross the thousand-member threshold. After that, you'll find the subscription prices lower than you could imagine for what you'll be receiving, for reasons also explained when you get there.
Registration is free and for your protection, and your privacy is both respected and guarded, as you will see when you reach the site, and you can read all you want as an anonymous guest, but as part of our system of protecting you from spammers and other ne'er-do-wells, everyone who wants to post must register, but as with e-mail addresses for the newsletter, no information is shared with anyone unless compelled by court order. Registration enables other benefits for you, like RSS feeds, post notifications in your favorite threads by e-mail and Facebook Connect, so don't be shy and miss out -- join us!
There's something there for everyone, including women and singles. That's right, singles. Women have been writing to me asking to meet men who have been through my program, and divorced men have been asking for help in easing back into the dating world, and it's there, waiting for you, along with live chat in both a chat room and person-to-person chat, personal blogging, Facebook-style profile pages, photo albums to share, and a lot more. I've posted a lot of articles related to dating and single life, including how to screen dates for the purpose of a happy long-term relationship or marriage, so if you haven't joined yet, now is the time.
I also have another special treat for you, my favorite motivational poem of all time. Many of you may have read it, but I've met few who ever gave it serious study and consideration. And that's a shame, when you see what it holds for you that could help a man, relationship and marriage.
Most people remember and even quote that last line or two, but few remember their origin and have never really studied the poem, trying to live the part of the main character, and exploring and adopting the attitude expressed. Read it carefully, once for understanding of what the character is saying, and then a second time to try to feel what they are feeling, and we'll discuss it and how it relates to your relationship and building attraction afterward.
Invictus
By W.E. Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods there be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced or cried aloud;
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed.
Beyond this vale of doubt and fear
Looms but the terror of the Shade
And, yet, the passing of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the Master of my Fate,
I am the Captain of my Soul.
So let's dig into this, deeply, and see what Henley knew about being a man and how that might help you get your life and relationship or marriage back on track. To make sure you get the context, "Invictus" is "soliloquy," defined in "The American Heritage Dictionary" as "A dramatic or literary form of discourse in which a character reveals his or her thoughts when alone or unaware of the presence of other characters." He's not trying to impress anyone; he's alone and thinking or speaking only to himself.
Speaking of gender, we don't know whether the character is a man or woman, but everyone assumes it is a man when they read it, because the feeling generated is that typical of an alpha male - independent, strong, railing against the storm so to speak. He is in complete darkness, according to the first paragraph, possibly in a prison or dungeon cell, or in an apartment or bedroom, utterly alone and celebrating his own sense of self and character. In the second stanza, he says that no matter what has happened to him, he's taken it and moved on.
He's been beaten up, but not beaten down, and certainly not beaten into submission. In the third stanza, rather reminiscent of Psalm 23 of the Christian Bible ("vale of doubt and fear" is identical allegory to "valley of the shadow of death, the terror of the Shade" being the angel of death or god of the underworld, as in the first stanza we see that Henley's character is religious, but not Christian, as his "gods" are unidentified and existence questioned - "whatever gods there be"), he says that life is uncertain, and the afterlife possibly more so, yet he has no concern for that.
He goes on in the fourth saying that it matters not how he is judged ("how straight the gate" is an allusion to several different versions of Heaven and Hell, and "the scroll" is the judgment of his life) because he lived his life making his own choices, and is perfectly prepared to accept the consequences of those choices. His world and his choices are simply, utterly, and relentlessly, his own.
Why? Is it ego? Conceit? Hardly. Ego and conceit are not signs of confidence, but of a lack ther, the leper's bell of someone lacking self-esteem and trying to fake it. This character has simply chosen to command his own life, to do with it the best he can, to accept all challenges to his life and well-being, and if he is to lose a battle, he will regroup, re-engage, and ultimately win the war.
What image does this paint for you? A sniveling, craven little wuss huddled in a corner of a dark room? I should say, "not just no, but hell no!" A man standing straight, tall, shoulders back, feet at shoulder width, head held high, ready for action; he may not own the world, but he certainly commands what part of it is around him. So blatantly heroic an image that it's not hard for a cape whipping in the breeze to enter the picture if you're not careful.
Why do I bother going through all of this about a poem? Wake up, gentlemen! This is the guy every woman wants her partner to be! At the very least, it is the image of him that she wants to hold, strong, confident, moving through the world with a purpose that is his own, in command (not CONTROL, mind you!) and in demand. Do you want to know one of the best-kept secrets in all of existence? Every one of us is born this way!
Really! Look at small children. They try to do things assuming that they will succeed. They don't jump off the back of the couch and land face-first on the floor because they're stupid; it's because they've not yet learned that there are things that are impossible. Unfortunately, as they grow older, they learn a lot more than the simple physics of gravity, inertia, and motion that would keep them from jumping off the couch and busting their face again.
It is failure that they (we!) learn, and which plagues us all for the rest of our lives if we let it. The operational phrase there is "if we let it." It's a choice. Failure of any kind is a choice, a choice to be defeated instead of a choice to learn all we can, give something our best effort, and if it doesn't work out, to acknowledge that it required more resources - whether time, money, energy, relationships, or whatever - than we were able to muster, and to make course corrections so that we continue the journey toward something desirable. No matter what the outcome of any endeavor, it is only a failure if we choose to declare it so, and choose to be a loser or victim instead of a contender and survivor. And as long as a man truly gives something his best effort, he cannot fail; the only failure is to fail to rationally address an issue and meet it with whatever he can reasonably muster.
Do you realize that humans are the only species on Earth with the power of volitional choice - the power to think and choose everything, instead of simply growing to the point of being able to survive and then having all development stop? Intellect allows us to reach a point of being able to survive, then surpass that point and flourish, improving our standard of living, and possibly that of others around us and in generations to come. We are the top of the food chain for that reason and none other. Contrary to popular belief, being human isn't something for which one should apologize (..."I can't help it. I'm only human..."), it's something to which one should aspire! (Be a REAL man! Or be a REAL Woman! I think, therefore I succeed!)
Those whom women find the most attractive are those who have aspired to be and finally became supremely human men, the alpha male - the strong, confident male, able to make logical decisions, formulate successful plans, and carry them out with all the confidence in the world that he can do just that, who looks not at his feet, but at the horizon, and onward to the next world he is to master. Be that man; it's your choice, and her dream. Make both of you happy. If you have to, print this poem and put it where you can read it while you shave every morning. (Yes, EVERY morning! Real men have more self-respect than to run around with two-day old stubble on their face and "bed hair" trying to look like a thug or a flake, no matter what might be "in style"!) Memorize it, and recite it several times throughout the day. Get it done.
It's time to take charge, and make the world your own. She'll notice. It's not an act. It's a matter of first learning how things work and what the best behavior is, then toning down your bad behavior while enhancing the good behavior, and then adding to the good behavior with other traits that you can enjoy having and she will enjoy seeing. There's a full explanation of all of this and an effective training seminar to help you put it all to work in a natural, stress-free manner, in "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," so download it now at http://www.makingherhappy.com. Go ahead, do it now, and start living the "unconquered" life, because life is too short to live it otherwise.
In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham "Being a man is something to which one should aspire, not something for which he should apologize." --David Cunningham
If you are sitting and home depressed about your broken relationship and if you are still deeply in love with your ex, you must be no doubt, wondering how to get your ex to contact you. There are many different subtle ways of doing this by making your ex think that it is their idea. By playing a powerful mind game, you can definitely get your ex to contact you in no time and bring back the lost happiness in your life.
GIVE ENOUGH RECOVERY TIME BEFORE BUMPING INTO YOUR EX - After giving enough time for turbulent emotions to settle down, plan and bump into your ex accidentally a couple of times. You can visit places you know he or she normally frequents.
HAVE A MAKEOVER AND LOOK ATTRACTIVE - Before you decide to bump into your ex, work on your appearance. Have a stylish haircut, shop for attractive clothes and accessories and keep yourself fit with a lot of exercise and balanced diet. Looking radiantly healthy and happy will kindle the curiosity of your ex and get them thinking about you all over again, wondering what you are up to.
ANY GIVEN CHANCE, INITIATE A CONVERSATION - Taking care not to mention any aspect of your shattered relationship, initiate a casual conversation with your ex and gradually establish a firm and comfortable friendship. Do not flinch if your ex tells you they are seeing someone else. On the contrary, sound sincerely happy for them to reiterate on what a nice person you are.
ACT WITH CONFIDENCE AND MATURITY - Talk to your ex in a highly confident and mature manner. This will make them feel that you have actually moved on and are getting along with your life. Focus on the present moment and make your ex see what a changed person you are.
ENHANCE THE COMFORT LEVEL IN YOUR FRIENDSHIP - Make your ex feel very confident and comfortable to talk to you. Never try to bring your old relationship into the conversation. Focus on the present and on rebuilding a relationship based on mutual trust and understanding.
KEEP YOUR CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR EX SHORT - If you tend to drag on the conversations and consciously try to spend more time with your ex, it may put them off. Keep your conversations short but effective.
DO NOT MAKE ANY CONCRETE PLANS FOR NEXT MEETING - Before saying goodbye, take care not to sound too eager and make any concrete plans for the next meeting. On the contrary, say something like "catch you later" and you can be sure your ex will contact you again very soon.
PAY CLOSE ATTENTION HERE-
Now listen carefully! Take 2 minutes to read the next page and you'll discover a stunning trick which will have your ex begging you to take them back. There is a set of easy to follow psychological tricks which will make your ex crawl back to you within a few days guaranteed. I strongly urge you to read everything on the next page before it's too late and time runs out- Click Here
Credit: loveknowsnoage.blogspot.com
For the pasted 4 years I was so busy with school and work that I had no time to look or notice if guys liked me. Plus they were shy and I would leave to go to work or something. Today I notice cute men more the bad part is I do not know any one in my area but then again I used to it. I want to a commuter school so I was in the train for long periods of time. At times it was like a part-time job, just getting to one place to the other. ( 10-12 hours a week) I'm starting to open my eyes more however I live in Boston, MA the city known for colleges everywhere. As soon as people are done with school they go back home. So there are a lot of tourists here for school. I finally feel older or the same age as everyone in the city. What kinds of questions can I ask a cute guy to start a conversation with? I haven't practiced too much flirting the men. The men I had to see in my class were ok stuck up and not much of a view. If I was lucky I saw average looking men at least they were not as shallow. Ok I very picky I'm starting to open my eyes more I like men that are handsome or cute. So my question is how would you like someone to approach you? (In anytime of the day)
How has someone approached you?
What technique have they used?Help hot men and hot women answer this question. How would you like someone to approach you?
The context usually dictates how/if/when a person will approach you. You appear to be thinking too much into it. Most people just network and meet somebody who knows somebody.Help hot men and hot women answer this question. How would you like someone to approach you?
Actully for the ladies I think its easier cause they let the men do the approaching. Try making eye contact, and smile. If hes interested, he'll come over and start a convo.
LMAO
You are thinking about it too hard.
You dont have to PRACTICE flirting
or anything like that. Lmao
what you think it is a science
just act natural and be yourself lmao
it shouldn't be that difficult
and if it is your not being yourself
and your not being natural.
Girls approached me were just themselves
thats it, they smiled, were fun to talk to.
=]
I would ask them how was there day an what they had been up to, wat they do for a living, ask them if they would like to meet up and get to know u better...that kinda thing, i have someone very recently come up to me and ask what i do as well as part time work, and they came in and asked if i would like to meet up with them and get to know them better.... just be yourself and initiate a conversation :-)
You might ask them to show you how to use commas and sentence structure in correspondence. That should get you some attention.
come up 2 me and grab my kock
Credit: art-of-kisses.blogspot.com
I actually find women to be very sexy and would like to flirt with some of my friends without coming across as being weird, how can I do this?I have no problem flirting with men, but how can flirt better with women?
I guess that is a hard question because you dont know how they will take it. I have the same problem...you basically know that with guys they will be fine with it...but, not all women would be...I guess just try breaking the ice to find out if they are into it first.I have no problem flirting with men, but how can flirt better with women?
I completely know how you feel, I mean you know on what grounds you stand with men but ladies are a whole different ball game. How about you practice by flirting with me. My email is www.moveforward1972@yahoo.com I would love to hear from you ;)
get clothes and makeup that help you show off your best features. and also like joke around and hug them a lot oh and dont forget any of the sleepovers! who knows what could happen. : D
you homo, you are werid
(homo means gay)
i think they like to flirt the same way, they will only think your weird if they r strait.....
"The present is never our end. The past and the present are our means, the future alone our end. Thus we never actually live, but hope to live, and since we are always planning how to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so." - Blaise Pascal
Comparing my imagined freshman year to my actual experience is like comparing a five-star restaurant to McDonalds. The word "disappointment" doesn't quite describe the aching gap that only reality can punch through your stomach. I wish I could say the problem was a bad roommate, a failed exam, or even the butchered attempt to chat up the sexy boy in my mythology class (trust me, that was a mess). But unfortunately, I was the problem.
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Horribly misguided self-expectations made college seem like a landslide of imperfection. In high school daydreams, I developed the myth of Anna 2.0. I thought I would shrug off the plain-old high school me and emerge from the Bishop Guertin High School cocoon a drop-dead gorgeous party-animal taking campus by storm.
I would never flirt with the cute boy next to me in World History but I'd offer myself grand consolations. "It'll be fine in college. I'm going to talk to all the boys. Actually, I'm ONLY going to talk to boys. That's it. It's the womanizer life for me."
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I lied to myself big time. Here's the truth: Boys are still terrifying in college. And worse, they're even more handsome and charming. The first time a boy talked to me, he turned his chiseled jaw line my way and told me to not dare cut the sandwich line. I fell in love with him anyway.
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Instead of writing notes in my Biology class, I'd imagine myself as the mitochondria of every college party (get it?). By then, I'd look like Beyonc'e and show up to parties with boys on each arm. I refused to believe that I would spend my weekends like I did in high school: eating, reading, eating, doing homework, watching TV, and eating. But after a few college parties of making sole eye-contact with my red solo cup and living up to my wallflower reputation, a lot of weekends were spent in the judgment-free zone of my bed.
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So folks, pity past me. Na"ive baby Anna really did believe that she would be different in college. Just like that. I thought I'd become a whole new person. Brave. Sexy. Noticeable. I want to be perfect now, damn it. I'm a millennium baby after all. The need for immediate gratification is the plague of my generation.
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The myth of nerdy, chubby girl-turned-Beyonc'e is specific to me, but I think we all develop faulty self-expectations. We imagine that in the future, we'll be superhuman versions of ourselves: prettier, smarter and more charming. We won't make the same mistakes or be quite so shy. We'll finally say the right things at the right time and have the right friends. We'll just be more.
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The summer before college, all you want is a three-second, complete makeover of whoever you were in high school. Go in you, and come out with Scarlet Johansen's body and Julia Robert's charisma.
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But starting college is like drinking a whole bottle of Smirnoff (yeah, I'm making a simile about drunkenness. Sorry, mom). Sure, you may seem different. Maybe you'll be a little more bold and courageous and a whole lot louder at the end of the night, but beneath all those layers of vodka, sweat and YOLO, you're still you.
I was still the terrified, slightly chubby girl who had fallen in love with too many fictional characters and made UNSETTLING jokes about the kind-of-cute Dunkin Donuts cashier (wedding rings can't stop love).
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If I learned nothing else from my first year (I don't remember much from class), I realized that I didn't have to trade who I was for a good college experience. In fact, my Anna 2.0 attempt should have come with a "kids, don't try this at home" label. What really needed to change was my expectations and perception of myself.
Isn't it weirdly both beautiful and horrifying that you are the only person who can make yourself unhappy? That the one person who has ridiculous expectations and holds onto wildly inappropriate hopes for yourself is you?
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Maybe my ramblings won't convince you. I mean, we've all grown up hearing clich'ed pieces of advice to love ourselves. But just wait for the first time your new friends make fun of you for seven minutes straight instead of pity laughing your bad joke. Wait for that blue-eyed boy to crack up at your horribly misplaced joke about eating a miniature pony in the vegetarian option sandwich line. Wait for that first feeling of triumph after getting back a paper you ace.
My long-awaited "good" college experience was made up of little moments in which I finally felt seen and comfortable as the girl-in-shambles I am.
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So my New Year's resolution is late, but much needed: Stop being so hard on yourself. Steal it if you like.
The post Freshman Year: Expectations Gone Wild appeared first on College Magazine.
"BE YOURSELF" AND "JUST RELAX" ARE USELESS ADVICE FOR AWKWARD PEOPLE. INSTEAD, HERE'S SOME CLEAR, SIMPLE GUIDELINES."
It's tough going through life as an awkward person. Social skills seem to come easy to everyone else, but not for you. It can be hard knowing how to not put people off or not seem weird and unpleasant, especially if you don't feel good at socializing or are non-neurotypical.
Too much of the advice for this situation is written by people who aren't themselves awkward, and is based on their own experience. "Be yourself" is no help when the entire problem is that "yourself" tends to seem weird or obnoxious. A list of clear specific dos and don'ts would be a lot more helpful for people looking to get better at social situations. So I wrote one.
For the purpose of this guide, we're gonna assume that you're talking to strangers in a social setting. Conversational rules with close friends and partners can be very different from these.
FIRST, HERE ARE SOME OVERALL THOUGHTS TO HAVE IN MIND.
* Think less about "how do I become less awkward" or "how can I avoid scaring people away?" Instead, flip it around. Think about, "How can I learn to be friendly and polite?" and "What is respectful behavior?"
* Confidence will help you, even if you're faking it. If you can be confident, you'll have a better "vibe," and you'll be more able to recover from faux pas. "Fake it 'till you make it" is a real thing.
* Really listen to people you're talking to. Don't make the conversation about you. More on this later.
* If you know or see someone whose social graces seem impeccable to you, don't be afraid to imitate them, or ask them about their techniques.
* Don't be afraid to check in occasionally. "Do you want to talk about something else? Is this okay for you? Are you still interested? Am I rambling?" It's okay to ask these questions!
* Don't treat people like you have a relationship with them that you don't. Just because you can touch your partner that way doesn't mean you can touch someone you've just met in the same way. Just because you can tease your friend like that doesn't mean you can tease a stranger.
* If someone says, "that made me uncomfortable," do not get angry at them for telling you, or for being uncomfortable. This is true even if you made them uncomfortable because of your mental illness, disability, etc. Do apologize. Do explain the nature of your difficulty, if you wish. Do not be angry. Do not "expect "them to accommodate you.
* Your mannerisms aren't everything. Your intentions are important. If you stutter, if you have trouble with eye contact, if you're just awkward, but you're genuinely interested in what the other person is talking about, chances are good that they'd rather be talking to you than to someone who has smooth and polished manners, but is only angling into their conversation partner's pants.
Remember those things. Now, let's get specific.
Body language can be tough to manage, but helps to ensure you get your intentions across. Reading it is also a valuable tool for assessing your conversational partner's mood and feelings. This will be divided into two sections. First, things to and not to do with your body language, and second, some things that their body language might mean. Bear in mind, though, that if their leaning in means they're interested, your doing the same can carry that same message!
YOUR BODY LANGUAGE:
* Don't ever touch somebody without asking.
* That includes hugs. Ask someone before you hug them, and don't ask them after you've opened your arms or leaned in. Say, "Do you mind a hug?" or just "Hug? then" open your arms "if they say yes." Do not be offended if they say no.
* Don't ever touch someone's stuff without asking.
* Don't use your body in ways that might make people feel trapped. Don't corner them. Don't use your arms or your body to fence them in.
* Stay out of people's personal space, unless invited in. Don't get within about a foot of them is a pretty safe rule of thumb for lots of people.
* Don't stare!
* Do make eye contact. For casual conversations, once every couple of seconds should be pretty all right. Don't forget to blink!
THEIR BODY LANGUAGE:
* Folded arms or arms wrapped around the body-they might be uncomfortable.
* Leaning towards you-they're probably interested.
* Leaning away from you-they might be uninterested or uncomfortable.
* Looking around the room, checking their watch or phone-they might not be very interested in the conversation, or they could be nervous.
* Tension in the body: hunched shoulders, clenched fists, etc-well, they're not comfortable. They may be nervous or ill-at-ease.
* If they touch you (or ask to touch you, which they should), they probably like you.
* Smiling and laughing-probably good signs! They are not uncomfortable. They like the cut of your jib. Smiling or laughing nervously mean the opposite, though.
* If they go to get a drink or to the restroom or anything like that, then return to you-they probably want to keep talking to you!
* If you're talking to two friends and one of them wanders away, but the other one stays-they probably want to keep talking to you!
"If their body language indicates discomfort:" change the subject, ask them a question, check in on them, or let them out of the conversation. Don't beat yourself up or hate yourself for it; everyone's been there. You can let someone out of a conversation pretty gracefully by saying something like, "You don't seem to be having fun, so I'll let you go," or by going to the restroom (etc) and not coming back.
Now that how folks look is covered, let's talk about what they say. For a lot of people, reading these cues and producing cues in line with their intentions will be easier than it is with body language, but it can still be difficult, especially if you're learning. Again, we're gonna have two sections: your speech, and theirs.
YOUR SPEECH:
* Almost nothing is creepier than not taking no for an answer. Take no for an answer. Do not argue or cajole. Do not make a show of disappointment. Do not ask a second time.
* If you stutter, or have trouble getting words out, take a deep breath and try again! People are often pretty understanding of these sorts of things, so don't be afraid to explain, "I stutter when I'm nervous," or "I have trouble talking to new people, sorry."
* In general, it's okay to explain that you're feeling awkward. Lots of people have trouble when they first meet someone, so there's a good chance they're feeling awkward, too. You might even be able to laugh about it with them!
* Don't approach someone with an agenda besides getting to know them. If an agenda (ask them out, invite them to something, etc.) develops, don't push it.
* Don't talk over people! If you do, say you're sorry, stop talking, and let them finish.
* Don't belabor apologies. Say you're sorry. Be honest. And move on. Don't make them uncomfortable by dwelling on something that sucked for them or by self-flagellating. Do forgive yourself for making mistakes. If they seem to be upset in a lingering way once you've apologized, you may ask them something like, "It seems like you're still hurt. Is there something I can do?" Take no for an answer or do the thing they ask of you.
* Wait a second or two after someone is done speaking to respond, just to make sure they're really finished.
* It's great to connect what someone is saying with yourself and your experiences-but don't connect it to a brag, or use that connection to make the conversation about yourself.
* If the conversation stalls, ask them a question!
COMPLIMENTS:
Compliments are their own special thing and you've gotta be careful with them. It's very easy to make someone feel very happy with a compliment, and it's very easy to be skeevy, or downright offend someone with one, too.
* Avoid being too specific or too sexual. "Nice dress," is better than "nice legs," and "nice shirt," is better than, "I really like the way that shirt makes your arms look."
* "I like long hair," or "I like people with long hair," when you're talking to someone with long hair isn't so much a compliment as you telling that person, "you match my preferences," which is a potentially disturbing thing to tell a stranger.
* Compliment the decisions that people have made! Their haircut, their tattoos, their clothes are easier to compliment well than their eyes, butt, or legs.
* Compliments are not a conversation starter unless you weave it in. "I love your tattoo," doesn't start a conversation. But, "I love your tattoo. Where did you get it done?" could start one.
* You might have better luck complimenting people in passing. "Oh, great bag, by the way," as an interjection in a conversation, for example.
CUES FROM THEIR SPEECH:
* If their responses have just become "mmhmm," or "hmm," or bland "uh-huhs," or if their smiles or laughs seem strained or polite, you might want to give them a little more space to talk, or let them out of the conversation. They may not be scintilated.
* Take hesitation as a polite no.
* Take "maybe later, not right now," and excuses like "I have to wash my hair," as polite nos. On the other hand, "Maybe later," really can mean exactly that. If they say, "maybe once I'm done with this," or otherwise name a specific time for "later," they probably mean that and not "no." If you "really" want to and someone provides an excuse like, "Oh, I don't know how to play that game, so I won't be able to join you," you can say something like, "I'd be happy to teach you, but you really don't have to play, if you're not interested." You can also respond to "maybe later," with "let me know when you're up for it." Put the ball in their court. Odds are pretty okay that they'll toss it back to you if and when they want to.
* If someone glosses over or ignores a comment you made, or if they give vague or very short answers to your questions, they are probably not interested in those things you said. If these sorts of responses are consistent, they are probably not interested in talking to you.
* Their asking you questions is a good sign.
* If they re-initiate conversation with you when conversation goes flat, or when they talk to someone else for a while, that's also good.
* If they compliment you, it's good.
* If they introduce you to people you don't know, it's good.
* If they offer to buy you food or drink, it's good.
IN SUMMATION:
* Be respectful. Listen. Pay attention.
* Never touch anyone without their permission.
* Take "no" for an answer. This includes hesitation and deflections.
Interpersonal relations are complicated. If they weren't, you wouldn't be here. There are lots of other cues to learn, and lots of flowchart-like if-when situations. Some cues are very dependent on the individual. But, as you socialize more, your senses will become sharper and you'll develop a better feel for people. You'll learn the patterns. Even if you don't, these are good thoughts to abide by.
LEARN TO BE RESPECTFUL, AND IT WILL MATTER LESS THAT YOU'RE AWKWARD. REALLY LISTEN, AND IT WILL MATTER LESS THAT YOU'RE AWKWARD. BE SINCERE, AND IT WILL MATTER LESS THAT YOU'RE AWKWARD.
Photo-Greg Burkett /Flickr
The post How To Be Less Awkward appeared first on The Good Men Project.
" A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "PLEASE BE GENTLE, I'M STILL A VIRGIN."
"WHAT?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well:
- Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be.
- Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
- Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
- Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
- Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
- Husband #6 was in a Union; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
- Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
- Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
- Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
- Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was God I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"GOOD," said the husband, "BUT, WHY?"
"YOU'RE A TAX MAN... THIS TIME I KNOW I'M GOING TO GET SCREWED!"
Recommended books (downloadable pdfs):John Burton - Nuisance
Clifford - Interview With Brian
Bob Cassidy - Bent On Strange
Labels: books body language i want a girlfriend free dating women very dirty pick up lines nonverbal body language russian pick up lines tyler durden pictures cute pickup lines for girls alpha male charisma clara morgane hot john alexander pua
Origin: gamma-male.blogspot.com
I won't ever be able to sarge and successfully pick up any given woman I set my eyes on. That's impossible. I once held a belief that if you're adaptable enough with your game such a feat would be possible, but that's bullshit.
As I've learned from various pickup sources, learning game isn't about adding on additional layers to yourself. Instead, it's about peeling away the layers that stifle your core. In the end you will want to fully enable yourself into expressing your true core and core intent in an eloquently expressive fashion. This method of learning and practicing the art of pickup (Natural Game) is rooted in the premise that women are naturally attracted to who you truly are on the inside by default; basically, that "being yourself" is the most effective key in seduction.
Layers that stifle your core can include things like limiting beliefs, bad body language habits, inner demons from past trauma, ego, etc. There are millions of things that can stifle you. Being stifled is having any inhibitions from expressing your true self. On the stage, being stifled is letting anything hold you back from skillfully expressing your true current emotional state (or whatever you're trying to communicate) in most sincere and effective way possible.
If you learn to love yourself, to not take yourself for granted, other people will love you, too. As human beings we are all able to relate to each other in some way, but we all have these layers that stifle us from seeing that. Instead, the best we could possibly do without achieving full godly enlightenment is to find certain parts of ourselves that align with certain parts of other people. This is why it is actually possible to not be someone's "type." Everyone is stifled in some way that blocks them from being able to fully relate to certain people that are stifled in some other way.
This is why, no matter how much I strip myself of my stifling layers, I will not be able to seduce any woman in the world. People in general will become attached to some of their stifling layers, creating a phenomenon called "taste." Sure, I will most certainly increase the amount of "types" of women that will be attracted to me by peeling away these layers of mine, but there will always be some women that do not share the same taste as I do. Some women will always not be my "type."
If I never learned to peel away these layers, if I never learned to love myself, essentially no one could really love me. It would be very difficult to generate any attraction within any woman. It really is great to expand that pool of people that CAN fall in love with you, though, by learning the way of the PUA... but in reality can someone with the ability to attract and seduce any woman anywhere really exist? I think not.
I came to this realization while I was playing along to some songs on my guitar just now. When I was a kid I had this dream to be a great singer/guitarist. However, I've always hated my voice. It brought me down to think that I could never win the hearts of music fans with singing talent, even though I rock at guitar.
I then thought about what almost every experienced singer has told me, though. They all echo something along the lines of, "good singing is all about falling in love with your own voice." It's like game. Anyone who hates their voice will sound terrible to others, and will not be able to give a good performance. Anyone who does love their own voice, however, will always be able to captivate the ears of some types of people.
Think about all the famous voices you've ever heard, and all the bands that you love to listen to. I'm sure you know some people that hate some of these singers, and plenty of people that love them. The same goes for a pickup artist; some types of women will throw their panties off in a heartbeat for some pure expressions of Don Juanery while some types of women will be turned off by the same pickup by the same PUA.
The universal attraction switches are still valid, as are the universal rules of music theory. Music theory dictates what sounds good and what sounds bad to an extent, but it doesn't always penetrate the filter of taste. Pickup theories dictate what is attractive and what isn't to an extent, but, again, it doesn't always penetrate the filter of taste. You can follow the rules to dramatically increase your effectiveness in giving a great performance, but you can never win em all.
But who the hell actually cares about winning them all? A "real" musician doesn't concern himself with fame and fortune. Musicians who let their egos get the best of them end up recording a really shitty second album. All that real musicians care about is finding the best and most artistic way to express what they're really feeling. They want to reach the audience that they can relate to the most on the deepest level possible, and so should the pickup artist. Doing so brings a deep sense of fulfillment like no other. This is why so many pickup gurus stress the importance of finding out what exactly you're looking for in a woman because you're exhaustively wasting time and energy if you're trying to focus on attracting ALL women in general.
Find your style, your genre, your target audience. It's all about finding yourself.
Creating Your Future
In many psychotherapy and coaching practices the client is taught to visualize what they want to see happen in the future. In the NLP model we call that future pacing. You may have heard of it as guided visualization, mental rehearsal or even post-hypnotic suggestions.
At the NLP Center we teach our students and clients to see themselves in the future performing the task they want to perform. This may range from speaking assertively to a family member, to presenting to an audience to remaining more present and focused when reading. You can see yourself, observe yourself but you can also imagine being in the experience. The latter is the one that we encourage people to practice regularly. It is called association.
When you practice being fully associated you create a feeling that you want to have, for example, confidence, and then you imagine what you would be seeing and hearing while feeling confident.
In the Psychotherapy Networker Magazine, January /February 2014, there is an article by Dr. Brent Atkinson, that discusses research that supports the efficacy of doing this mental preparation regularly. http://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/currentissue/item/2406-the-great-deception.
The research he cites is from a Harvard study conducted by nuerologist, Alvaro Pascual-Leone. Basically there are two groups of subjects who have never played the piano. One group is given a set of instructions and they are told to practice two hours a day for five days. Before and after their practice their brains were scanned and there were signs of brain change in the motor cortex, corresponding to their practice. The second group was also told to practice for five days, two hours a day, but this time they only mentally focused practicing. The brain scanning also showed changes in their motor cortex, yet they had not done anything physical. Once the mentally rehearsed group had a chance to practice for two hours, they played almost as well as the first group.
It is exciting to see how neuroscience research continues to confirm that the basic NLP principles continue to be useful and meaningful. It is not enough to sit and mentally rehearse your assertiveness, confidence or patience. You ultimately have to take action. However preparing yourself by future pacing, by being in the experience, albeit mentally will help you achieve your goals in real time.
The NLP Center of New York: Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Hypnosis
