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We talk a lot, and those conversations, if we use assertive communication skills, can make a big difference in how our relationships go. If I have anything to add to the assertive communication skills dialogue, it is an awareness of how rapidly we change internally based on our perception of and interpretation of nonverbal communications.
Mihalyi Csikzsentmihalyi in his book Flow (1993) estimated that we process seven bits of sensory data in parallel, and that the shortest amount of time between sets of seven bits is 1/18th second. Remember, it takes 1/10th second to blink your eyes.
Michael Merzenich,Ph.D., one of the world's leading researchers on neuroplasticity, says that Senior drivers need to be prepared to process changes in driving conditions in 1/45th second.
Paul Ekman,Ph.D. says we respond to facial expressions in 1/25th second, and my stress response to a look of contempt from a boss, a mate, or a child, may happen faster than I can create words. I had better be on my assertive communication game plan if I am to sustain assertiveness.
Assertive communication skills begin in my head, with a thought or a commitment to use them.
My commitment revolves around "I" statements, awareness of my feelings, heart beat by heart beat relaxation, playfulness, reflective listening, and the offering of choice.
In my domestic violence groups, I really use the reflective listening and the relaxation skills.
Every person who comes to my group has a story to tell, which will be told using their current level of assertiveness training.
More than likely, their story will be told using aggressive or passive-aggressive communication skills.
In those early moments of building our relationship, reflective listening will be a key part of helping my court ordered student to settle in.
So I will begin my comments with the phrase, "Here is what I hear you saying." and repeat back to them a summary of the story.
In order to summarize the story, I need to listen closely, and I make an effort to repeat the client's story verbatim in my head,which keeps me from preparing my "very knowledgeable" retort.
My goal in using the reflective listening is to begin teaching by example what assertive communication skills are. I often ask clients how they feel when someone pays attention to them, and the usual reply is, "good".
In fact, when I use reflective listening skills, I can watch an agitated person calm down.
I may even begin to teach my clients at this point the HeartMath process, which always intrigues them, because I ask some provocative questions leading into it.
Then I may even hook them up, so they get a sense at this early part of the process that it is their thinking about the external world that brings on physical changes, and how fast that happens.
By the way HeartMath is a biofeedback tool that gives very accurate information to a client via a computer screen about the time between heart beats and how to make that time more consistent, which is called coherence, by breathing deeply and regularly, and managing thoughts. HeartMath is a feel good experience, and once learned, (took me six 1/2 hour practices), I can cue the physiology on demand by repeating a thought.
The heart has a very sophisticated nervous system, and sends a lot of data to the brain about emotions, much more than the brain sends to the heart. This brain in the heart is affiliative and cooperative, so cuing the HeartMath physiology has a huge impact on assertive communication skills.
I also like to teach the assertive communication skills that are part of the John Gottman,Ph.D., model called The Art and Science of Love, especially for my domesitic violence and anger management clients.
Gottman has studied couples for 30 years, and has teased out of his work the skills that the Masters of Marriage use.
Those skills apply to assertive communication skills. After discovering your partner's Love Map, you begin to Turn Towards Each Other During Everyday Events by honoring what Gottman calls invitations to turn toward.
Those invitations can be very subtly communicated, so one has to pay attention and make quick decisions about how to respond.
Most of Our Communication is Nonverbal
I teach quite a bit about how we respond nonverbally to facial expressions, based on the work of Paul Ekman,Ph.D. Ekman says that we can respond to a subtle expression of contempt with anger in 1/25th second which is about 2.5 times as fast as I can blink my eyes.
So assertive communication skills have got to come online fast, along with my HeartMath skills to give me a chance to respond to contempt assertively rather than aggressively or passive-aggressively.
In any communication, I will respond to facial expressions and body posture before the words that are spoken.
If the speaker is not congruent in verbal and nonverbal communication, the listener may create an stress response faster than they can create reflective listening words.
Daniel Goleman calls that an amygdala high jack, and it floods us with stress hormones, making assertive communication very hard, if not impossible.
The Gottman's address what they call 'flooding' in their work. They recommend for men that a minimum of 20 minutes be taken to calm down.
Next comes the use of 'repair phrases' that the Gottman's supply examples of.
So as you can see, assertive communication skills are dynamic and must be applicable to a huge number of situations and responses.
They can be learned, and relationships built using them, and relationships can be repaired when there are breakdowns in communications.
The basic assertiveness training skills are remaining committed in my head to using assertive communication skills, no matter the response they get, using reflective listening, maintaining my heart intelligence, and offering choice, if I am communication with a peer. If I am communicating i a hierarchical relationship, then I need to either listen to feedback, or offer it, and be prepared to accept consequences for delivering a command, or accepting one.
In all cases, awareness of my physiology gives me choices.
Michael S. Logan is a brain fitness expert, a counselor, a student of Chi Gong, and licensed one on one HeartMath provider. I enjoy the spiritual, the mythological, and psychological, and I am a late life father to Shane, 10, and Hannah Marie, 4, whose brains are so amazing. http://www.askmikethecounselor2.com
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Assertive Communication Skills
LUKE 10:40-42
40) But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
41) "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things,
42) but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
(New International Version - NIV) Copyright (c) 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
Seems like it has been ages since I picked up a book and read it just for pleasure. Somehow, like Martha, I gave up my passions for my duties. There's nothing wrong with duties, and I have not begrudged them - a fine Christian husband and beautiful, sweet kids are nothing to begrudge! But somewhere in the daily grind of household management, the once passionate reader and writer in me... and artist for that matter... disappeared on the dusty shelf of "someday I'll get to that". I never stopped collecting books... books that I longed to read. I never stopped discussing the ones I had loved before. But I never stopped to read anything new, either... for fear that the laundry may pile up if I did.
I don't think it is uncommon for women to loose a bit of their identity after they marry or have children. It is only natural for moms to put others before themselves. The baby's leaking diaper is much more pressing than a fiction novel you've been trying to finish for three months. But somehow, through the Lord's wisdom, I feel that keeping yourself true to the gifts He has given you - and feeding those God-given desires - are something just as important and useful as dish-washing. After all, your husband didn't marry you because you knew how to get Kool-Aid stains out of his white t-shirts. Your kids don't love you because you keep the toilet paper from running out (although this does help). Why would God give you a talent and passion for something if He didn't want you to use it for His glory?
I went to a great Christian lecture at a homeschool book fair recently given by Renee Ellison. Her topic was about "Turn Your Head Home Management Strategies". She gave a job description for Mother as being IMPOSSIBLE and INFINITE. I agreed wholeheartedly, yet wouldn't give the job up for the world! She told us, although most of us already knew this, that we needed to stay "close to our fuel" (the Lord). Her suggestion in doing this was to "snatch scripture". She admitted that we all are similar in having too much on our plates to stop and take enough time out each day for prayer, Bible study, and meditation. Let's face it, life is fast paced - especially if you are a homeschooling mom! Her idea of placing little Bibles (she even said she got some at a thrift store for this purpose) in every room where you might stop to take a pause (use your imagination here), for the purpose of "snatching" a verse or two was so unique. I had always thought if I didn't give God at least fifteen minutes, it wouldn't count.
I think you could use this same method with time out for yourself. Planning some morning reading time after the coffee is made and breakfast is eaten is not a bad idea. Spending Sunday night after church in bed with a good book isn't a bad idea either. Even stealing the moments back in the Wal-Mart parking-lot when you are waiting for your husband to get back in the car would be a nice start. I can stash a few good books in the car along with my Bible.
Surely I can find enough time for me somewhere in my hectic, wonderfully busy life.
So I'm going to pull down one of those dusty "someday I'll get to that" good books and read it this weekend. Then, when I make some more time for me, I'll review it for my blog! I thank Renee for her encouragement in that lecture she gave... she implored us to write down our "wisdom" as homeschooling mothers. Not sure if I would consider what I write as wisdom, but I'm sure glad I'm writing it down again!
Katy Perry and Russell Brand were trading four-letter terms rather than cuddles and snuggles at the vacation -- maybe. Unfamiliar troublemakers are insinuating that a large, unpleasant disagreement took place.
What seems sure is that Perry was in Beautiful lovely hawaii and Brand was in Britain on Xmas Day. Several press sites were revealing the individual vacation holidays Thursday, although Individuals had revealed Wednesday that an "onlooker" saw Perry and Company getting off a personal aircraft in The island of kauai.
By seaside time on Xmas, however, the two were a large number of distance apart. And neither was in covering. Perry was boating and displaying a lot of bosom, as she is probably won't to do. She also evidently wasn't dressed in her engagement band. Company was on a seaside in Britain, where he presented next to a different, not-unimpressive bosom, as proven in the Day-to-day Email.
Why, why, why?
No hint, so far. Us Regular revealed a number of un named resources in its information -- first there were programs to take Perry's loved ones members to Brand's Manchester home for the vacation. Then, really, came the "massive" combat, with scuttlebutt about Russell and his sensations about Perry's mother and father and their opinions.
The several committed just over a season ago, and fighting over in-laws rates right up there with cash and having children as typical deacyed plant material for newlywed battles.
Katy and Russell, here is some sage assistance from About.com: "You might have different cultures or different techniques of doing elements. You might see your mother and father too little or too often. It requires a while to decide what type of connection you should all have."
That's assistance for all of us, yes?
Still, the rumours could have one excellent outcome: They might fast Company to appear again on "Ellen," as he did recently. The English comic was entertaining on the discuss present as he riffed on issues such as separation and divorce rumours, which jumped up not extensive after the vacationing couple's one-year marriage loved-one's birthday. (They wed Oct. 23, 2010). Besides, there was even a news in March that they were searching for people therapy -- a view whose plausibility Gossip Cop offered its "zero" report.
"There are always rumours, aren't there," Company informed DeGeneres.
The coordinator requested whether he desired to have a loved ones. "I really would like one," he said. "I really like those little infants at the starting. They're so attractive at that bit."
It was just in Nov that Perry frequented DeGeneres and discussed fortunately about "poppin' out" infants with Company and even having more than one, "If it doesn't harm the first time.
I've been trying my luck with day gaming of late, instead of the usual night game stuff.
The idea is to get a great number. But mind it, you should never expect to have sex as soon as you meet somebody on the train or the coffee shop.
So how do you get awesome in the day game? Here's how you can become irresistible.
Never Hesitate
Your hesitation might go unnoticed during the night. But there's not a chance of this happening during the day. Your hesitation will certainly be visible. You can be sure that it will turn off the woman.
If you hesitate, then it means that you have "approach anxiety". That's not good at all. It's impossible to succeed if you have this.
Do you know of the "three-second rule"? It's the classic opener where you say... "Hi, I'm Steve, you are"? It always works for those with approach issues.
Agreed, this is by no means the best opener. But then, it can be remembered easily, and it would prevent your hesitation.
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Never Linger
It's linked to the first one. Those who hesitate will end up lingering around, and would look like creeps.
So don't hesitate. If you do, then it's always best to simple walk past her. It's better to forget and move on.
Remember, there can be a second chance when you are more composed and confident. So make sure that she does not see your hesitation and lingering.
Emotional Connection
It is really essential that you have an intellectual and emotional connection with her.
As a day gamer, you'll obviously want to get in and out fast, but still, you can't really get her if you're not able to have that meaningful connection. It's this connection that will make you irresistible, and make her reply to your messages or calls later.
The idea is to get into her head. You'll be attractive instantly, and can win her trust too.
The Day Game Is Not For You If You're Needy
The flip side of day game is that, all your flaws and qualities are out there in the open. So if you lack confidence, then you'll appear needy. Women are champs in detecting this. They will stay a mile away from you.
You've got to project yourself as the alpha male, somebody who is supremely confident. So be in control when you're interacting, and steer it to your goal.
Be Patient
Remember, getting in and out quickly and rushing isn't the same. You've got to be solid. That's the only way you land that solid number.
Never rush when you're trying to build a connection. You'll never get the reply you want even if she agrees. It's always better when you have a solid thing going.
Don't care about anything
The #1 problem with day gaming are the people around you. These are all public places, and so everybody will see and hear you trying to pick up girls. You'll never succeed if you're bothered about this.
IDGAF! That's what your attitude should be.
They might laugh when you are rejected. They may even laugh at you for trying to pick up girls. There's absolutely no reason to care about them or what they think.
You'll always find such people. In the day game, you'll just have to learn to ignore them.
(image via)
There are men who make the best boyfriends and husbands - trustworthy, caring, intelligent, affectionate...I can go on and on about the qualities that make up Mr. Right. Along the path to finding your Prince Charming, you may kiss (and fall into bed with) many different men. To find out just want you want and need from a man and a relationship, make sure to spend some intimate time with the sterotypes every girl should sleep with.
THE OLDER GUY. He's experienced. Very experienced. This older and wiser man can teach you a thing or two.
THE YOUNGER GUY. He may make you feel a bit old, but most likely he'll remind you of what your carefree life was like post-college. His high sex drive lends him tons of energy to keep going for hours.
THE GUY WHO LIKES YOU MORE THAN YOU LIKE HIM. This sweet guy has put you on a pedestal. He will do anything to please you, while he makes sure your needs are met first. Just be careful with this enamored gentleman - you don't want to break his heart.
THE BAD BOY. Wild, rough, uninhibited sex. Sometimes a girl just needs to let go.
THE ROMANTIC. This suave guy will kiss your neck, while caressing your arms, and brushing back your long hair from your beautiful face. Plan to spend the night cuddling in his gentle arms.
THE ARTIST. This creative hipster is emotionally connected to both his craft and your body.
THE CLEAN FREAK. He always has his bed fixed with clean sheets, his room is tidy, and the sink in his bathroom is shinier than your mother's. He may even give you pj's to sleep in (to avoid your city clothes coming in contact with his germ-free space). This anal guy may seem like someone to avoid hooking up with, but his efficiency in the cleanliness department may make him a thorough lover.
THE EXPIRATION DATE. He may be visiting the city on a work trip or about to move to LA for his career. Either way, this fling will stay just that - a brief, but possibly intense affair without the messy baggage of having strings attached.
Who are the guys you believe every girl should sleep with? xo
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Of course the last thing a paranoid person needs to do is act paranoid.
The ability to suppress ones own fear and suspicion is absolutely vital when one wants to maintain control.
It is the emotions that cause us stop thinking which is why maintaining perspective is vital.
There is a trick bounty hunters use to trap their guys who jump bail and it uses knee jerk emotional reactions as a key.
Often men who jump bail have a girlfriend who is willing to hide them and lie for them. They bail jumper will tell his girlfriend to never reveal where his is and that bounty hunters will trick you into giving him up.
So does the bounty hunter know on the door and say he looking for Bob The Bail Jumper? No. Instead he has a woman telephone the girl friend asking for Bob. The woman will tell the girlfriend that Bob The Bail Jumper is her boyfriend and that shes pregnant. A verbal fight will ensue and the mysterious female caller will hang up.
Two hours later THEN the bounty hunter will call the girlfriend and what do you know... she gladdly hands over Bob The Bail Jumper for cheating on her.
The lesson here is simple. Watch out for emotional traps.
Bounty hunters know that by distracting others away from their focus and presenting them with another version of "what's really important" they will forget their previous mission completely.
The only solution that will prevent this from happening is to has as big a vision as possible. Think beyond your current problem and think toward your greater mission. When you have started to do that then you must plan... plan... plan is as much detail as possible. Making that even harder is knowing that the unexpected will occur. You can foreseen but you can plan how you will react to it.
In the case of Bob The Bail Jumper he could have told his girl friend that people will try to play to her greatest weaknesses, guilt, jealously, family and to delay any reaction when she feels those emotions rising.
To be able to do that effectively is the first path to becoming a force of nature.
It is a very hard task.
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If you are like most regular guys, then you probably know what I mean when I say that it can often times seem difficult to get a girlfriend. It's not really that there aren't any single women out there, it's just that it can be hard when you don't normally approach women on a regular basis to walk up to a woman you are attracted to when you see her and find yourself talking to her in a way that just feels natural. If anything, it seems totally unnatural for you to do that. Being that way, you might feel as though it will always be difficult for you if you want to get a girlfriend, but I don't think that it has to be that way. I think that you can find your way and in doing so, find that woman that you want to be in a relationship with.
Here is what You ought to know about attracting a girlfriend that should make things seem a lot easier for you:
The first thing that I think you should know is that getting a woman to want to be your girlfriend is a lot easier when you have a lot to offer a woman. Now, don't get me wrong and assume that I am talking about material possessions. That really does not matter with most women. What does matter is that you are more than just a guy that goes to work and then lounges around your house doing nothing but hanging out and watching television. Women meet guys like that all of the time and there is nothing attractive about that kind of lifestyle. What you DO want to be able to offer a woman is good conversation, some hobbies that you are passionate about that you can share with her and a little bit of excitement so that when she sees you - she has something to look forward to.
The next thing that will make getting a girlfriend a lot easier for you is if you are able to make that approach calmly and smoothly without it looking like it is taking you a lot of effort and energy. When you are able to do that, then things seem to flow effortlessly and that is going to make a woman think of you as being more of the type of guy that she wants to hang around a little. When you look like you are nervous and awkward about making the approach, you often will wind up giving a woman the creeps because she does not really know what you are up to.
Finally, if you really want to get a girlfriend anytime in the near future, you have to be willing to go where you normally would not in order to meet new women. Until you open up the opportunities that you have to meet women who are single, you really don't stand much of a chance of being able to attract a girlfriend anytime soon.
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Even though our hearts desire contact, nevertheless our minds understand our effective need for it, the self-revelation it requires is habitually too frightening a odd job. Carry out and unrestrained chipping in of self exposes the personal human fear of being rejected for being ourselves. In "The Seven Levels of Overfriendliness", Matthew Kelly both acknowledges and calms our suspicions, seeing as teaching us how to move beyond them to experience the power of true contact.
"The Seven Levels of Overfriendliness" is a brilliant and of use guide to creating and at the bottom of contact, whether you are looking for a deeper recognize of connection with your spouse, looking for untouchable consciousness in your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend, trying to improve your relationships with your descendants, or by far wondering what you destitution be looking for in a assort.
Subsequent to rich wisdom and the use of stuffed, not noteworthy examples, Matthew Kelly explains how we can increase the contact in our relationships. "The Seven Levels of Overfriendliness" redefines how we view our connections with others. This new understanding leads us to abundantly appoint the strong connections, effective joy, and lasting bonds that we all long for. The Seven Levels of Overfriendliness The Art of Loving and the The Seven Levels of Overfriendliness The Art of Loving and the Joy of Central Prized Matthew Kelly on Amazon com Unrestricted hauling on qualifying offers Produce the The Seven Levels of Overfriendliness The Art of Loving and the Finally Screening The Seven Levels of Overfriendliness The Art of Loving and the Joy of Central Prized eBook Pub Distinguish 11 15 2005 Publisher TouchstoneThe Seven Levels of Overfriendliness The Art of Loving and the Amazon com The Seven Levels of Overfriendliness The Art of Loving and the Joy of Central Prized eBook Matthew Kelly Stimulate StoreThe Seven Levels of Overfriendliness The Art of Loving and the The Seven Levels of Overfriendliness The Art of Loving and the Joy of Central LovedThe Seven Levels of Overfriendliness The Art of Loving and the The Seven Levels of Overfriendliness The Art of Loving and the Joy of Central Prized by Matthew Kelly Isolate this book online from 3 28 Get new in danger of extinction used books at our
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