A friend recently told me she felt betrayed by her lover and she wanted to confront him about it. Her plan was to calmly tell him about her disappointment and maintain the calm facade as he explained himself. I stopped her right there letting her know her plan would do nothing to help the relationship.
I had an ex-girlfriend who did the same thing to me often. If I did anything she didn't approve of she would ask me if I did it, it felt like she was trying to catch me in a lie. When I didn't lie she would explain her logic. She thought this was good communication because she didn't blow up at me. She followed relationship books and attempted to communicate efficiently when all she managed to do was make her man feel like a cowardly, scolded little puppy. Being the man I am the relationship didn't last for long. I'm grateful to be in a relationship now which promotes my masculinity rather than reinforcing insignificance.
Considering my expertise in relationship building I explained to my friend that she was painting him into a corner. Okay, she caught him doing something she didn't approve of and it should be addressed, but that was no way to do it. If she chose to handle it the way she wanted to initially, it would have established a solid authoritative structure. He would constantly be checking his actions to insure they lived up to her expectations. His actions would not be genuine and as a result he will consistently work to cover up mistakes.
Any relationship with an authoritative structure is much like employee/employer relationships. The employer always strives for increased productivity while the employee does just enough to keep their job. Due to unequal roles both parties are dissatisfied, usually both are miserable, and most importantly the relationship is not fulfilling. A passionate relationship cannot thrive if restrained by authority in any way.
I explained they must start over and emotionally "wipe the slate clean" if she ever wishes to get passed her feelings of betrayal. Equality is the result of both members replacing perceived insufficiency of one another with an authentic appreciation for everything their partner is. Frequently, I find that authority is illogical and falsely assumed rather than imposed. It is a genuine misunderstanding that can only be resolved after the authoritative structure has been dissolved allowing open lines of communication. Only then will both partners have the ability to communicate clearly to determine how each would like the relationship to develop.
Jerry Christensen is a master at building strong relationships. Visit CompleteRecoveryProgram.com to save your relationship and build a solid foundation of joy for the years to come.
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